THE PHANTOM SHIT : A shit left mysteriously in the toilet that no one will admit to putting them there.
THE GHOST SHIT : You know the shit came out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
THE NO-FLIES-ON-ME-SHIT : It slides into the toilet in one go, disappears cleanly in a single flush, and there’s nothing to report when u wipe ur backside.
THE WET SHIT : This shit, on the other hand, sticks. Not only does it leaves skids at the bottom of the toilet bowl, the sort that it needs a frenzied attack with the loo brush, but, no matter that you’ve wiped your bum twenty times, you still feel there’s more to wipe. And rightly so, because later you’ll probably find a skid or two on your pants.
THE CLING-ON SHIT : The poo where, when you go to wipe, it’s still attached to your ring. A messy business that always happens where there’s not enough loo paper.
THE WET-BUM SHIT : The kind that likes to make a splash. Literally! It comes out so fast that your cheeks get soaked – usually when you’re hovering over a dirty public loo.
THE SECOND WAVE : This one happens when you’ve finished the job, pulled up, zipped up, left the loo and, oh shit! You need to go again. This usually occurs when there’s a big queue outside the loo. Not only do you have to hang on, but everyone knows about it , too.
THE THUNDER BLUNDER : Basically, you go to poop and all that comes out is a tremendous fart; usually when there’s someone in the cubicle next door. (By the way, a windy bum means an unhappy tum – change your diet.)
THE HERE-TO-STAY SHIT : The kind where you strain so much you go bright red and practically pop a vein in your forehead.
THE MISFIRE : The kind that needs a amp to locate the bowl. It prefers the seat, or the wall behind, and it’s quite fond of the floor, too. Always happens where there’s no bog-roll in town.
THE SOMETHING-DIE-IN-THERE SHIT : This one smells really, really bad. Meat, eggs, onions, curry, beer etc. are big culprits.
THE PIZZA-TOPPING SHIT : It comes garnished with seeds, tomato skins, sweet corn, raisins, and the like.
THE OH-SO-YOU’RE BACK-AGAIN SHIT : You shit, you flush, it disappears, you leave, it hits the U-bend and comes back again-leading you to think there’s a phantom shitter in the house, only haven’t u seen that turd before?
THE RAINBOW SHIT : Now, before u panic, have u eaten beetroot recently? That’ll turn ur stools pink to bright red at any rate and may even look like blood. Some said that eating lots of Kendal mint cake turns ur poo white while others have laid claim to blue poo, green poo and black poo.
THE CHAMELEON POO : Have u ever observed that if u shit in the woods it always comes out the same colour as the leaves u are shitting on?
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT : It hurts so bad, you’d swear it was coming down sideways.
THE POWER DUMP : The kind that comes out so fast, u barely get ur pants down when u’re done.
THE FISHERMAN’S BOBBER : the kind that always happens in someone else’s house. You shit, u flush, u flush again, but at least 2 pieces of shit are still floating and u have to conceal them with loo paper.
THE FRIGHTENED TORTOISE SHIT : It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc.
THE CROWD PLEASER : This shit is so intriguing that you have to show it to at least one other person before flushing.
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