my only 2011 wish...

is happiness, for everyone. 

can?

**********

One has bad temper, another loves to complain.

and i always wonder, why can't my parents be like other parents?

you know, those who has that blissful' feel once you are around them?

Everytime I dreaded family trip...

because 'explosions' will always happen then.

one loves shopping, another loves exploring.

and bam, explosion...

one is too choosy over food, another tries hard to tolerate,

and bam, another explosion.

and im tired of trying to please both party whenever i sense one is about to explode.

Im tired of becoming peacemaker.

Im tired of trying to act happy and excited about the trip 

Are marriage that scary?

p/s : I know, it's new year..and im not supposed to feel like this..but an explosion just happened. =(

Just one of those days, ignore me.

he went off in an aeroplane, she is busy honeymooning, and now im all alone.

the spider web is so thick, slowly engulfing me...

he n she decides to save me from boredom, 

trying to pull me out..

but i lose interest, i don't want to be pitied.

I just want to go out and have fun. TODAY. not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow and not the day after the day after tomorrow...

off the phone and let me continue mourning for the uncomfortableness of being wrapped in a thick suffocating spider web. 

 

Lonely holiday

Everyone is busy going out to play during Merdeka holiday.

Melaka, Tioman, KL....

And I'm left with the Bf, in JB.
or to be exact, the studio.



And the worst part is I can't even go out shopping bcos I spend too much already this month.


Sigh~

I guess I really need to stay and do my studio work.
I'm very very far behind already.

I wish I can go for trips too.
=(

小丑和魔术师

有一天魔术师变了件新衣服给小丑，
那时刻， 小丑的心就被魔术师给牢牢绑住了。
魔术师一直给小丑变了很多很多的新衣服，
让小丑脸上画的笑容都变成真的了。。。
魔术师看着快乐的小丑，知道自己也深深地爱上小丑了。。。


小丑和魔术师虽然都是马戏团里的一份子，
但究竟都是两个来自不同世界的人。
小丑有自己的世界，魔术师有自己的世界。
日子久了，小丑开始不能接受魔术师的世界； 魔术师也不能了解小丑的世界。
两个不同世界的人，究竟能不能永远在一起？


小丑好希望自己卸妆后脸上的笑容不会再变成泪滴，
小丑会好好珍惜身上穿着的那套新衣服，
和魔术师一起勇敢的走下去。。。
让两个来至不同世界的人，可以变出一个属于他们俩个的世界。。。

身在福中不知福

我真的很欠打。。。

:'(

I guess I'm still pissed with my family.
My mum n dad forbid me for going to Vietnam for my practical.
With the reason that it's not safe yadda yadda...
And my sis kept asking me not to go either.
apalah worry this worry that.

I'm so pissed off and till now couldnt accept the fact that i have to do my practical in s'pore / kch.
So angry that I didnt contact nor talk to them for 5 days dy.
Even my mum hav to sms and ask me why there's no news from me at all but I didnt reply her at all.

Talk about a filial daughter.
I guess I failed to be one.


I know I'm wrong and they're jz worry about me.
But pride and all those hatred feelings juz refrain me from forgiving them...yet.





But deep down inside me...i missed them a lot. :'(
I guess i needed some more time to put down everything.

=(

Back to UTM...

listening to the firecrackers popping far away....



Suddenly i missed home...

A lot. =(

人 生 中 最 低 潮 的 时 刻

I'm in a depression mode.
In fact im feeling the down-est now in all my life.

It all started when I can't get to solve any of Jahangir's assignment questions.
And the bf is getting too frustrated with teaching a stupid girl like me and finally 'get loud' with me.
Imagine teaching till getting crazy.
That must be it.

I guess i'm just a pile of useless rubbish.
I sucks in maths.
Im never good at it, not even to say physics.
My head just won't turn.

Eventhough the bf apologized after that,
but i can never start to pull myself away from feeling depressed ever since.
I'm giving up. Eventhough it's not my style.
I'm giving up everything.
In fact, giving up my life seems to be the best word so far.
I feel like dying.
I don't have the strength to continue anymore.
No matter how much he said he loved me, no matter how many sorry he said.
I just don't have the heart to go on anymore.

I dont have any abilities at all.
Even if the bf is not good in design, at least he can calculate well.
he can still survive.
But me, what am i good at ?
crying ?
go cry with the babies then.
Duh.

I'm not good in anything.
AT ALL !

The Confessions

I confessed that i'm a girl who wud rather die than to be un-loved.
I ever tried to run away from home after my aunt scolded me for fighting with my sister ( which im the innocent one ok ) but only to be 'captured' back by my uncle. -_-
I tried to find something to kill myself after that, locking myself in the bathroom.
( with nothing except water to kill myself. stupid. )
But in the end my aunt cried and hugged me and apologized.


I confessed that friends play an important role in my heart.
I really really missed the times during last sem. sigh.
Is it possible again to hang out with my family again ?
IT aches me everytime i looked at their happy photos - without me.


I confessed that having dinner / lunch or hanging out with the bf's friends is not what i wanted.
I feel uncomfortable, not myself, and most of all, i keep thinking back how happy i was eating meals with my family back then.
I feel more comfortable wif my coursemates.
And to tell the truth, i really hate Ah Liang.
I mean, im so sick of listening to his swearing and his bad mouth.
Heck, im positive that every girl in my course is already being bad-mouthed by him.
From a lovely girl to a piece of rubbish.
Look at urself before saying others ok.
no wonder u're still single till this day.
And i really cant tahan he always say Daigao behind his back.
I mean, what's wrong with him liking a girl?
Why do u have to say his taste till like rubbish ?
At least he accepted the girl for who she is.


I confess that i still dislike a rainy thunderly night.
It makes me feel lonely and sad and low in mood.


I confess that i wanted to believe what the boyfriend promised.
I wanted to believe in all the 'forevers',
But im too scared of being hurt in the end bcos we cant tell the future.
Im scared that i'll do something stupid.
If the thought of 'suicidal' ever came across my mind when im young, who cant guarantee that it'll come across my mind when im 'old' ?
I know it's stupid as i've always shake my head upon those who commit suicide,
but well...who knows...


I confess that what i want to do is to run away from everyone everything and to cry myself till no tears are left.


I confess i hate myself for being not-so-independant emotionally.








And i confess that all i want is a hug from everyone i love.

Unlucky Jenny

What can u do when u realise that ALL the work u've done for last sem which u've saved into a disc and when u look back, you realise that the disc corrupted, and canot be read ?
There's no more copy left for everything u've done.
except for hard copy.
I won't mind for other useless subjects, but imagine all the studio work is gone.
GONE !!!!
All my hard work, those sleepless nights...
what can i do ?



I panicked. and is on the verge of tears.




****************************************************************************************************************



What can u do when after that u wanted to take ur mind off ur bad luck and so began to unwarp the bread to eat and realise that the kaya inside the bread turned sour?
It haven't even reached the expiry date.
what can u do?



You can only laugh at ur own bad luck.




******************************************************************************************************************




AND What can u do when the roof structure that u've spend 3 hours thinking and drawing GONE ?
It's the hardest part to draw and you feel so relieved to have the structure drawn out finally.
You thought everything is safe when u hide the part that u already finish drawing so that it wont kacau u draw the other part.
Then when u want to unhide it, tada ~ it hides, you search, and reality hits u when u found that it was gone for good.
You try to press the ctrl-z to undo everything, unable to believe what had just happended, but it won't let u undo any further when u're just 1 click away from finding it back.
Just one more click ! but i can't undo anymore.
It's so near, and yet it won't let u find it.
It's gone for good.
what can u do ?




you break down finally , that's it.
And draw back.
it feels like the whole roof structure is crashing down on you.
It's painful.
cry.draw.cry.draw.*sniff*.draw.*tears still won't quit flowing*.draw.*sniff*.draw.
till u finally finished it.

Damn it !

Is that what u get after being lucky ?

Another point for those who wanted to write an essay about global warming.

Sometimes it took a whole roll of tissue to get your heart to be heard and understood.

More times than not, u have to waste another roll of tissue to get your heart fully understood.










No wonder the trees are being chopped down faster nowadays.

warning : This post BITES, stay away.

They claim i didn't go visit them much,
But do they even visit me ONCE, at all?

Even 'not much' is MORE than 'none', right?



Sometimes i just keep quiet,
cuz i donno i'll break down or lose my temper if i stay with them any longer with them accusing me of things i didnt do 'much', and yet they didn't do any at all.
A big smile plastered over my face can be fake most of the time.
Smile, and you won't feel anger.
Smile, and the feel of crying will leave you alone.
whatever.
I'm tired of smiling.


Hey, it's not me who doesn't want to join in the fun, but did U even at least asked me?
Maybe most of the time i can't make it, but at least you will be so kind to at least ask me.
Having a bf doesn't mean that i can't have a life with my friends.
most of the respond i get is ' i thought you know ady ?'
@#$%^ is what i'd love to say, but instead i keep quiet, and swallow the bitterness of disappointment myself.


Sometimes i find it more peaceful to hang out with those not-my-gang friends.



How i missed my friends back in Kuching.......



P/s : If it's not u, it's not. I'm juz writing a piece of my mind.

Jenny is a big LOSER...!

Sometimes i feel like a small gas girlfriend who gets angry over small stupid things.

Sometimes i feel like a lousy and left'ed'-out friend.

Sometimes i feel like architecture is not my thing AT ALL.

Sometimes i feel like i'm the stupid one among the people who can speak loud n well in my workbase.

Sometimes i feel like i am a loser.


and Everytime i feel like it's my fault, my wrong, my selfishness that caused me to feel like that.

and Everytime i know i deserves that.




there's a part of me that is dying.
from loneliness.
from stress.
from lacking of other love.
from missing out something.



If he were to leave me someday, i think i'll die.
bcos his love is the only thing that i've gained the day i started to lose other 'love' and 'fun' that i once have.


who am i to blame ?



No one but myself.



This is the 4th time that i've tried to post my true feelings up.
The previous post only lasted not more than half day until i took it down.
It's scary how being 'detached' from others can cause such a huge damage on me.
Till i dun even dare to post up my true feeling.

L.O.S.E.R

Sigh.

I think my patience's limit is starting to drop.
I get annoyed easily these few days.
I tend to feel not happy about people easily.
Some words sounds annoying and sometimes hurting enuf eventhough back then i can definitely push it aside.



I hate the state i'm in now.
Maybe i'm juz tired.

I love you~

She looked so peaceful, so much younger than when she's alive....

I never realise how beautiful she looked until today.



It's too late, i know.

I tot i saw her breathing...we all did...
But we all know it's just an illusion...
She looked just like she's sleeping...so peacefully.....
It's strange, as her hunched back is now so straight...
And she looked so much taller...


It's after she's gone that I realised all these...
So...
lesson learnt = Love n appreciate those around you before it's too late.....

Can i trade blueberry cheesecake ice-cream for my grandma ???? =(

My aunt called to tell my mum my grandma fainted in the toilet jz nw..
and my mum rushed over to send her to the hospital...

And my mum called me around 3.25pm to tell me she passed away...

*sniff*


*sniff*


*sniff*


I want my grandma back!

I'm glad i didnt go out with him yesterday and went to my grandma house instead as i didnt visit her since i'm back...And i get to see her for the last time...
She was quite weak already these few weeks...
but refused to go to see doctor...
my aunt brought her to see doctor yesterday and de doctor said it's old people's sickness and cant be avoided...

who noes....she's gone just like that today....


At least she died peacefully...
that's all that can make my heart feel better.....


Grandma, u'll forever be in my heart....
You finally get to reunite with grandpa in heaven... =)
send my wishes to him ya~ *sniff*

~I LOVE YOU ~

=(

Suddenly i feel that I'm distached from u guys.
Watever fun u guys had i seems to be not there...
Ok, u might say that It's my fault, and i admit it.
I'm sorry i didnt get to help out at the new house,
I reli wud love to help n be part of it,
But i'm reli rushing for that stupid assignment dat day.
If you think that I spend more time with him than u guys, sorry about that...




He's going back home today, *sniff*
I just want to spend the 'last' few days with him...




maybe when i gain one thing i loved, i'll lose the other thing that i loved ??
I dono...but i hope it's not happening...
I'll manage my time better next time.
I want everything to be the same again.
and yes, I know i'm greedy.
I want my him and i want my frens too, can i ?



I miss the 'old times' when we're still 'one family'...
and now...
ah well...nvm...
Just to let u know i still love my 'disaster family' very much.... =)

不明白。。。。。。

有 时 我 很 不 明 白 为 什 么 你 那 么 介 意 别 人 会 说 闲 话 。。。。


为 什 么 在 你 好 友 面 前 可 以 很 ‘ 开 放 ’ 的 对我 示 好 ，
但 就 不 敢 让 别 的 朋 友 知 道 我 的 存 在 ?
要 不 就 光 明 正 大 点 ， 要 不 然 就 不 要 了。。。。

如 果 连 你 也 没 有 那 种 勇 气 的 话 ，
那 我 也 不 敢 期 待 什 么 了 。。。。。

I didnt ask for this.

I didn't mean to let things be like this.

I don't mind at all if dad are to let u study in private college or send u elsewhere.
I really don't.
I'm happy with what i have.
I'm glad for the arrangement,
for I wouldn't have met the sweet frens i have now if i'm arranged to study in college 4 years ago.


My sis told me my mum 'force' her to study F6 instead of college.
Eventhough my dad wanted to let her do college.
Reason is that she thinks my dad is not fair at all,
as he forced me to study F6 eventhough i don't want in the first place.
and caused me to waste 2 years studying science. ( he wanted me to become a biotechnologist )
and said wanted to wait for me to come back and wanted to say my dad in front of me.

My sis choosed to study F6 bcos of this.
to prevent my parents from quarreling again.

I know my sis is furious and jealous that my mum stands by me more than her,
But I didn't ask for it ok ?

I'll talk to mum...if she'll ever listen.


But hey, wat u've said just now had just hurted me, deeply.
I'm sure mum loves u the same as me.
I didn't ask to be favoured more.

Kononnya want to build a trust bond...

I still cant believe it, u fall for the lie that ur roommate told u about seeing me holding hands and crossing the road with a foreign student. ( Ala to be exact ).

And kept on suan me about this.
My laptop is nearly condemned by ur 'sourness'.
I didnt hold hands with Ala ok? I'm just pulling ala to cross the road as there are cars coming n he's busy waving hand to his frens n didnt notice cars coming...
I DIDN'T hold hand wif him... T_T

You dont believe me.
U dont even trust me, do u ??
I'm sad about that.
I'm even furious about that.
But others kept on telling me i should be happy instead that he'll get jealous over this.

His roommate n Ah Liang keep on telling me He's not happy.
I'm not happy for the whole afternoon oso wat ~
In the end Liang told me they're just playing n testing him...
they told me Jo's relieved when he found out his frens are just playing with him.
If not he's 'sour' for the whole afternoon...



So, are u happy enuf that i DIDNT CHEAT ?
and hey, i'm not ur gf, so i can do whatever i like right ?
What for i have to bear all ur 'sourness' like this ?


T_T



I'm dismayed that u didnt even choose to trust me in the 1st place.